This happened back in 2008 just before I went to South Korea where I taught English for five years.
She and I are Friends and Family on Facebook. I owe her a lot of credit and thanks for continuing to help maintain the connection.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
After Twelve Years, My Daughter Reached Out and Contacted Me
She and I are Friends and Family on Facebook. I owe her a lot of credit and thanks for continuing to help maintain the connection.
One Gay Man's Story: Washington DC and More Course Work to Do
I started my public school teaching career in 1995, and it got me through the "child support" years.
One Gay Man's Story: My First Gay Pride, UCLA, California ...
The Gay Pride Festival in West Hollywood, June, 1992, felt electrifying to me. Dick Sargent and Elizabeth Montomery ("Bewitched") were the Grand Marshals of the parade! It was my first trip to California. What an experience!
One Gay Man's Story: Still Trying to do "What's Right."
So at this point, I was working 55+ hours a week that required about an hour of driving to get there...! Ok! That's what I had to do ...
One Gay Man's Story: Trying to be straight! Oops! No diaphragm!
One Gay Man's Story: I was so Inept from the Honeymoon Onward
It wasn't her fault! I felt more guilty than ever! I had no urge for it all! I was trying to become straight, but it wasn't happening! I had no answer but "I've got to endure this thing." She was worthy of love and being loved by a man who wanted a wife. I did not have the courage to admit that I was not fit for it. I did not have the moral fortitude to admit that I was deceiving myself. My ineptness ended up impacting more than four lives!
One Gay Man's Story: Get Married to Become Straight
I did not "come out" as Gay until after my divorce. Before the marriage, explicitly I explained my "problem." I remained faithful to that marriage. Two children later, she heard me talking in my sleep ... about situations that never happened in reality. I can't prove or disprove anything that she said that I said. All I know is that she filed for a divorce, and, according to her, her lawyer could "run you (me) up the creek." A few years later, her lawyer tried to argue a "homosexuality case" before the Clayton County Superior Court judge Stephen Boswell. I was there, and I heard the judge say, "Without evidence, we're not going to talk about this!" That happened in the middle of my studies at the University of Georgia, and it cost me $500 in court fees, plus some lawyer fees.
Getting married was solely my means to try to become straight. Honestly, I still wanted to meet, fall in love with, enjoy courtship, and marry a man. My dreams of doing all that were more vivid than ever.
One Gay Man's Story: Central Bible College and Still Gay
I graduated with a BA in Bible in May, 1983.
Its library provided no more information than what I found at Lee University. It wasn't until years later that I found out that many research journals had been containing ever increasing amounts of information about the matter ever since the mid 1960's. But, these two colleges didn't have such journals on their shelves.
No one forced me to go to CBC. I knew its policy was like that at Lee University before I enrolled there. Were there other homosexuals there? I don't know? What would reactions have been if I had approached any of the professors, preachers, administrators, or students there for prayer about my "problem?" I don't know, but I can't imagine feeling that anyone could have done so without fear!
Unfortunately (for everyone whose life was affected), knowing no more than I did, I decided to follow popular advice -- get a wife and procreate -- to get "delivered" from this "demon."
One Gay Man's Story: I didn't Want to be Explelled from Lee University
While at Lee University, I did scour the library for whatever I could find out about "homosexuality," and all I found was fine print within short paragraphs deep in books largely about other matters. When I studied hebrew and greeks words translated to "homosexual" or "homosexuality," I began to see that other English words could just as well (if not more justly) have been used for the translations. I began to learn that "homosexual" and "homosexuality" were new English words coined in the 1800's. I began to see different words used in different translations. I began to see that it wasn't as "crystal clear" as many had preached that it was. As a twenty year old undergrad, I became even more hungry to know all the truth I could find, but I saw no way out of the silence.
One Gay Man's Story: My First Year at Lee College (University), and Still Gay as Ever
Since leaving Lee College (now called "University") in 1979, I've met only one other Gay person who attended Lee when I did. I knew him then, but I did not know he was gay. It wasn't until about 1996 that I met him again and found out. Were other gay people there? I don't know!
I knew the school's policy about homosexuality before I went there, so I can't (nor do I) blame the school for my "problem." I can't blame the school for the silence that I had to maintain. I've had no regrets about attending classes there. If I thought they would accept me as I am, I would go there again.
Sex, my first time with others. One Gay Man's Story
As some people have implied, I should never have had, should never have, a romantic life I desired. I should never... fall in love. I should never... I should never live with the person I want and love..... I should never make a family with the person I want and love. As they have implied, my love life isn't about what / who I want, but is about who THEY want (often disguised as "who God wants"). As they have implied, it's perfectly acceptable for teenage boys and girls to flirt, hug, and kiss with each other. While, as they have implied, it isn't right for them to have sex, they're perfectly willing to forgive that when pregnancy occurs and get on with life. They're perfectly willing to forgive divorce, and get on with life and remarriages. But, as they have implied, my flirting, hugging, kissing, and (maybe) having an "oops" experience are all worthy of ostracisim. As they have implied, even if I abstained from sex until marriage, and even if I got married and remained faithful ... I'm to be ostracised.
Remember, I was 19 - 20 years old and it was 1977-78....
One Gay Man's Story: I wasn't looking for Gay porn, but...
I can hear it now! I can hear / read some people going wild about the thought, "The devil was using porn to lure you into homosexuality!" I have no respect to offer that sort of arrogant idiocy! My opinion is that the spewer of such lies are in league not with God, but with evil and should repent and become true to God.
It wasn't Gay porn (or any kind of porn) that led me in this direction. I was already "in this direction" long before I ever set my eyes upon any kind of porn. For many years, I had been dreaming of having a boyfriend, getting married to a man, and had never had any desire for any girl / woman. Still, I had not come to terms that I was Gay. I was fighting against that idea because 1.) I was young and ignorant of relevant truths; 2.) I didn't have the courage to speak up and talk about it with anyone among my peers; and 3.) all the leaders who I trusted most had no kind comment to make about the matter, said that homosexuals were demon possessed and bound for hell, and had a penchant for ostracizing homosexuals and I didn't believe I deserved that.
The "porn" was not what intrigued me and drove me to visit this place. Instead, I was intrigued by the question, "You mean to tell me that I'm not the only one with this "problem?"
One Gay Man's Story: Solo Sex and that Gay Demon
I was 19 years old and had not yet met anyone with this same "problem." Ever since I was six years old, I had been dreaming about having a boyfriend. Beginning in my teen years, I dreamed of getting married to a man. My boy crushes became more real and my crush for girls continued to be nonexistent.
Slowly but surely I began to learn that other guys (none who I knew and none near where I lived) did have my same "problem." More and more, my awakening to truth grew. I didn't like the circumstances of the revelations, but I became grateful for the revelations nonetheless.
One Gay Man's Story: Scarey Labels and Pentecostal Altars
This was around 1977 - 79.
It was during this time when Anita Bryant became famous for her anti-homosexual campaigns.
Television broadcasts were just beginning to tip toe (on egg shells) through the topic "Homosexuality." The TV show "Soap" (the first TV show with a gay character) was first aired.
Preachers like Jerry Falwell, Jimmy Swaggart, etc. hammered and hammered on the topic.
I was 18 and 19 years old.
One Gay Man's Story: Still a Good Church Boy, but Gay
From Oklahoma to Georgia, what a transition!
Can you imagine being Gay, yet not having figured out you were Gay, in a situation like this way back in 1977?
One Gay Man's Story: I was a good church / high school kid -- Altus, Oklahoma
I hadn't yet figure out that I was "Gay," although I was still enjoying my dreams of getting married to a man. I know! I know! I wasn't the brightest bulb around. Still, terms like "fag," "queer," etc. weren't being thrown at me, so I was enjoying my life while in Altus, Oklahoma. For the most part, I focused on going to school, going to church, and getting into college. I felt no urge for sex.
One Gay Man's Story: Altus, Oklahoma
Altus, Oklahoma is located in the southwest part of the state. It was a small town surrounded by cattle yards and farms. My family and I lived on the Air Force Base while there.
One Gay Man's Story: My Gay Hormones Kicked in Some More.
Honestly, I didn't know what a "fag" was!
I was soooo glad when we got the news that we were moving to another city in another state!
One Gay Man's Story: Goose Creek, Ladson, Goose Creek (again)...
What a contrast South Carolina was to Alaska! Not only was the climate different, but it was the first time I'd ever heard of schools for blacks and schools for whites. It was the first time I had ever seen "whites only" on signs posted on store windows.
My dreams of having a boyfriend intensified during this time. They didn't contain sex, but they were romantic, and I enjoyed them. But I knew something was odd about me, and other people had their way of point it out also. Vividly, I remember praying to God, "please turn me into a girl and get it over with. I want to get married to a man."
Also, it was during this time that I made a conscious decision to love God with all my heart, mind, soul, and body. Deliberately, I began my Christian devotion. I never heard my pastors talk about homosexuality. But, I did hear a few preachers preach "Girls, don't marry a sissy!"
One Gay Man's Story: Alaska and a Tribute to My Parents
In this video, I referred to a previous video "This is my story." I tried to post it here, but failed, so this is the second video in the series
You can go to my Youtube channel and look "oldest to newest" videos and find the title "This is my story" to view that video if you wish.
One Gay Man's Story: Alaska and a Tribute to My Parents is the title I gave to this one. At the time I posted this video, my parents had been married for fifty years. In that photo you can see behind me in the video is me with a "husband" in a previous love life. At the time, I believed it would last a lifetime! I hated that we ended it, but am glad that it happened.
You can go to my Youtube channel and look "oldest to newest" videos and find the title "This is my story" to view that video if you wish.
One Gay Man's Story: Alaska and a Tribute to My Parents is the title I gave to this one. At the time I posted this video, my parents had been married for fifty years. In that photo you can see behind me in the video is me with a "husband" in a previous love life. At the time, I believed it would last a lifetime! I hated that we ended it, but am glad that it happened.
I was speaking only for myself ... for all I knew, my family was pretty much an ordinary one. I didn't get into the gay matter in this video. At that particular time in my life, such terms as "gay," "homosexual," etc. had not registered in my thinking. "Sex" was not yet registering.
As early as age six, I was attracted to guys. I dreamed about them. I never felt the urge to talk about such things. They were, as I would describe them these days, simply humdrum run of the mill parts of life.
Some Introductory Remarks About this Series
I began posting these way back in March, 2007, and they're among the earliest videos I posted on Youtube (actually anywhere). Essentially, I was telling a story about scenarios that were already twenty, thirty, and forty plus years in the past. Basically, all I did was complete a few LONG recording sessions, and I broke them all up into segments lasting ten minutes or less.
I was new at Youtube. I was new at video making. I used my PC, a Logicam webcam, Microsoft Movie Maker of the day, and a synthesizer I purchased way back in 1985. Basically, the only editing I did was add some cheesy "music," add some scripts, and, as I already mentioned, divide the videos into short segments. I did all the talking impromptu. What my camera recorded is what I posted.
Often, I've felt embarrassed by the "production values" of these videos. I've thought about doing the series all over again. Many of the videos are just plain boring. That "music" is so........... YIKES! But, obviously, I decided to keep them posted as they are, because they form a part of my Youtube history as well as my larger life history, and I just didn't want to sugar coat all that.
My initial purpose for posting videos on Youtube was to make contact with my children who I had not seen in over a decade. I won't explain why here. I'll simply say that it worked. My children found my videos and began making contact.
If you watch any of these videos, please bear in mind the following:
1. I was speaking only for myself, and I was relying on my own memory.
2. The scenarios I've talked about in the video happened many years before I ever made the videos, and I posted them way back in 2007.
3. Yes, I was being selfish.
4. Figuring out ones sexual identity (when it wasn't heterosexual), coming to terms with it, and coming out have often been very difficult processes for many individuals all around the world. Can you imagine what it might've been like before the days of Internet?
5. LGBT individuals didn't just suddenly appear on earth in the twentieth century! They've been in every culture in every place on planet earth -- South America, remote islands in every ocean, Australia, China, India.... even in places where homosexuals are executed publically... for more centuries than we really know. Not every culture has condemned LGBT individuals. Some cultures have always accepted them and have always harmonized them within their societies.
6. Each LGBT person has a story to tell. Generally, their stories are not cold dispassionate academic narratives. Even though, each person might tell his / her story differently each time, even though he / she might vary some details each time he / she tells the story, chances are the essential substance of the story won't be changed. "Listening to understand," as often and as much as possible, I would bet are the most important keys towards peace making with LGBT individuals and individuals who've become their friends and supporters.
I was new at Youtube. I was new at video making. I used my PC, a Logicam webcam, Microsoft Movie Maker of the day, and a synthesizer I purchased way back in 1985. Basically, the only editing I did was add some cheesy "music," add some scripts, and, as I already mentioned, divide the videos into short segments. I did all the talking impromptu. What my camera recorded is what I posted.
Often, I've felt embarrassed by the "production values" of these videos. I've thought about doing the series all over again. Many of the videos are just plain boring. That "music" is so........... YIKES! But, obviously, I decided to keep them posted as they are, because they form a part of my Youtube history as well as my larger life history, and I just didn't want to sugar coat all that.
My initial purpose for posting videos on Youtube was to make contact with my children who I had not seen in over a decade. I won't explain why here. I'll simply say that it worked. My children found my videos and began making contact.
If you watch any of these videos, please bear in mind the following:
1. I was speaking only for myself, and I was relying on my own memory.
2. The scenarios I've talked about in the video happened many years before I ever made the videos, and I posted them way back in 2007.
3. Yes, I was being selfish.
4. Figuring out ones sexual identity (when it wasn't heterosexual), coming to terms with it, and coming out have often been very difficult processes for many individuals all around the world. Can you imagine what it might've been like before the days of Internet?
5. LGBT individuals didn't just suddenly appear on earth in the twentieth century! They've been in every culture in every place on planet earth -- South America, remote islands in every ocean, Australia, China, India.... even in places where homosexuals are executed publically... for more centuries than we really know. Not every culture has condemned LGBT individuals. Some cultures have always accepted them and have always harmonized them within their societies.
6. Each LGBT person has a story to tell. Generally, their stories are not cold dispassionate academic narratives. Even though, each person might tell his / her story differently each time, even though he / she might vary some details each time he / she tells the story, chances are the essential substance of the story won't be changed. "Listening to understand," as often and as much as possible, I would bet are the most important keys towards peace making with LGBT individuals and individuals who've become their friends and supporters.
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